Strength in Weakness
by Linnette R. Mullin
Filled with various trials, the past year has made me weaker. You read right. Weaker. But that's a good thing. God's word says, "When I am weak, then I am strong." and "...His strength is made perfect in weakness." Yes, I've become weaker through my trials, and yet my trust in God is stronger. I realize more with each passing day that I am nothing and He is everything. I'm learning that life is meaningless...unless you know Christ and realize that HE is what matters in life, as well as in death.
Just before Christmas break of 2008, I enjoyed a few days of incredible joy. God showed me during those days what it means to have the joy of the Lord as my strength. I felt invincible and I thought at the time that God must have been preparing me for the days ahead. I didn't miss my mark. The following two weeks were some of the most trying of the year and, quite honestly, I battled with depression.
Three times an infected emotional wound was ripped opened by loved ones who just don't understand how sick I am simply because I look healthy. They can't see what goes on under my skin and have no idea how debilitating this disease is. Accused of not wanting to go to church, not wanting to help my extended family when they need me, not taking care of my house, my husband, and my kids like I should, etc, I reached a point of near devastation.
I know that I'm not alone. All chronically ill people suffer such traumas to some extent. It's enough to make me wish at times that I had cancer instead of Lyme disease. Then, maybe people would take my illness seriously.
It's not that I want pity. I just want to be understood and believed. When I say, "I can't," I don't need people to make me feel guilty over something I cannot control. I do a good enough job of that myself. Yet, because I look healthy, I'm made to feel like a liar - always having to justify my actions or decisions to one person or another. That hurts...especially when it comes from the people I love the most.
What most people don't get is that this illness is deadly. If left untreated, it will either kill you slowly in a torturous manner, or it will kill you quickly in an agonizing way. My husband's college professor dropped dead from a fast growing Lyme-induced brain tumor. A lady in the Lyme community died at the age of 41 - her heart stopped in her sleep. Two Missouri girls who went to camp together both returned with Lyme infected tick bites. One of them suffers with Lyme today while the other died within a year - her organs were attacked and shut down one-by-one.
This is a serious illness and it needs to be taken seriously by those who love us. I don't know how many times I've come close to death, but I can tell you there have been many times I felt as if I were on its doorstep...times when others were waiting for news of my death.
But, apparently, God has a purpose in keeping me alive. And, if for no other reason, I want to live for my boys. Who will understand what they go through? Who would take their illness seriously better than me? So, until God calls me home, I will live to get them the help they need in hope of healing them from this terrible disease ravaging their bodies. They are gifted boys and I want them to be able to use their abilities to glorify the Lord. And if that's my only purpose in life, then that gives me reason to live.
As I reflect back to the two weeks of Christmas break 2008, I think of all that took place: the accusations of not doing my duty by the Lord or my loved ones; betrayal and rejection by a special family member; my husband being ridiculed for standing by me and the boys rather than leaving us; taking care of kids with stomach flu, respiratory influenza, and pneumonia; going through a power outage with the boys all running fevers; contracting influenza myself; losing my laptop with all my writing and pictures on it to a malicious virus; and my husband losing his job. Happy New Year, right?
I'm reminded, however, that Jesus was despised and rejected by men. His own people - family and friends - were the first to mock, reject, even betray Him. He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. If anyone ever knew about physical, mental, and emotional pain and anguish, it was Jesus. He knows. Jesus Christ knows!
When the pain becomes too much to bear, Jesus understands. He holds me. He cries with me. He prays for me. He loves me through it every time. He is my friend who sticks closer than a brother. And that's what gets me through it all.
He gives me the strength to endure, the hope to see beyond what I can see, the faith to believe that with God all things are possible and that all things WILL be made beautiful in its time. He is my rock and my fortress, my very present help in every kind of trouble. He is my comforter and sustainer. He is my promise-keeper.
There is no one who knows me and understands what I go through more than Jesus. There is no one who pleads to the Father on my behalf more than He. How can I not find joy and strength in that?
I admit that I was glad to see 2008 become history. And honestly, I didn't look forward to 2009. But, I found comfort and strength in knowing that no matter where life takes me, Jesus Christ goes with me - carrying me, holding me, and providing for all my needs. And when I can't see the way, I pray He will always give me faith to believe in what I cannot see.
Entering the New Year, I made no resolutions. I prayed.
And, I continue to pray - for God's mercy on me and my family; for the faith and the wisdom we need to live each day; that He would continue to provide for our needs; and that, somehow, we will be able to shine as His light to the world around us no matter what trials He gives us to endure.
It is also my prayer that you will be blessed with a solid, unwavering faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; that you will learn more of His loving-kindness through the trials you face each day; that you will be a shining light in the midst of the dark world you live in.
I pray that even in the midst of our suffering, we will work together to shatter the grip of disbelief that holds captive the world around us.
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About the Author:
Linnette R Mullin is a freelance writer and publicist who enjoys writing fiction, as well. She has written articles for In Touch Magazine with Charles Stanley and The Write Connection for Heart of America Christian Writer's Network (HACWN) in Kansas City, Missouri. An active member of HACWN, she was chosen "Cheerleader of the Year" for 2008 and won "Article of the Year" for her non-fiction article, God's Healing Promise, at their annual conference.
Linnette ministers through her on-line support group for chronically ill people and their loved ones called "LymeLife: Living with Chronic Illness." You may visit her and her links at
www.LinnetteMullin.com.
Linnette currently resides in Belton, Missouri with her husband, John, and their four awesome boys. Linnette and her sons are currently being treated for Lyme disease.
