Maintaining Your Marriage in the Midst of Suffering

by Linnette R. Mullin 

"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war," says G.K. Chesterton. Is this how you feel - that marriage is a series of battles, one after another? I believe all couples dealing with chronic illness struggle daily just to survive and wonder if life will ever get better. Others don't fare quite as well and the marriage comes to a tragic end. Despite the constant upheaval we Lymies and our spouses face, I believe our marriages can do much more than simply survive. I believe they can thrive.
Though our marriage isn't perfect, John and I have grown by leaps and bounds since the day we said "I do" seventeen years ago. We've been through enough trials to keep blog readers hooked for years. Keep this in mind as I share in an overview some things that have been vital in rescuing and strengthening our marriage. And remember that whether you are the one who is chronically ill or your spouse is, we all face the same struggles. So, please consider the following insights regarding building or rebuilding a strong marriage in the midst of your sufferings.

Between you and God:

1. Correct life focus - an intimate relationship with Christ is vital. Without it, there is no guarantee of success. 

2. Pray without ceasing - bathe every aspect of your life in prayer, moment by moment - especially your spouse and your marriage.

3. Trust God completely - don't put your faith in your faith, but in God Himself. Don't limit God by putting Him in a man-made box. He's so much bigger than we can ever hope to realize while in this life. He can and does move mountains that seem quite impossible to us. We may not be able to see or understand the things we go through in this life, but we can have peace knowing that God knows and is working it all out for our good and His glory.

4. Renew your mind - train your mind how to think about God, yourself, your spouse, your children, your circumstances, but mostly God. Learn Him.

5. Ask for wisdom - God gives wisdom to all who seek it. It is the truth of God's word that keeps us anchored.

6. Avoid bitterness - its roots go deep and are the hardest kind to destroy. It grows and chokes out all the work God would do in our hearts. It numbs us and keeps us from recognizing the Holy Spirit's leading. Its poison blinds our eyes to God's truth and the true condition of our lives.

7. Talk to yourself - always tell yourself the truth and tell yourself the truth always. Don't allow lies to infiltrate and dissuade you from doing the right thing and being the person God wants you to be. Remember whose you are. If you are a true child of God, remind yourself of it often. Learn more and more what it means to be His child. This is an area where we should constantly be growing in our knowledge.

Between you and your spouse:

1. Learn effective modes of communication - scrutinize how you communicate with your spouse and strive to replace bad habits with good ones. For example, speaking when angry is usually the worst time for discussion and sometimes it's the issue itself that stirs anger. Explore ways of communication that creates the least amount of provocation. You might find that emails, texts, or letters to be the safest means for such things. Find what works for you in your situation.

2. Develop a strong sense of understanding - everyone involved struggles with the same internal battles, just from a different perspective…fear, guilt, disillusionment, frustration, depression, anger, bitterness, humiliation, helplessness, and so on. Coach yourself to think from your spouse's perspective as much as possible.

3. Expect ugly moments - growth and change don't always look pretty. So many times we and our spouses have to go through a difficult trial before we learn what needs to be learned. There may even be temperament issues during the process because we tend to react the most when conviction is the heaviest. These are not moments for worry, but for prayer.

4. Learn patience - be patient with yourself and your spouse as neither of you is perfect and sanctification is often a slow go. Don't try to change your spouse; you'll only make things worse. Focus on changing yourself and pray for God to work on him or her. Since we all grow at different rates, be patient when you "get it" but your spouse doesn't. Remind yourself often that God is the only one who can change hearts.

5. Recognize improvements and be thankful - the slightest improvement is good. Even though it often feels like "one step forward, two steps back," be thankful. Recognize each step forward for what it is and don't take any of them for granted.

6. Persevere beyond your limits - don't give up no matter how hard things get, no matter how much you think the other person wants to. God makes all things beautiful in time and saving your marriage really is worth the effort.

7. Enjoy the moments - relish those special moments, no matter how small, when all seems right with your world. They may be few and farther apart than we would like, but you would be amazed how the more you recognize and cherish them, the more numerous they grow.

As you strive to build a strong marriage in the midst of physical suffering, remember that God is with you. As the gold-smith is closest to the gold in the fire so as not to lose what is precious, so is God closest to those going through trials.
I didn't go into my marriage knowing these things. I've learned them along the way. So, be encouraged! If you find yourself struggling in your marriage, don't believe the lie that it's too late for you. God has an amazing way of working in people's hearts. It's not too late to turn your life and your marriage around. Trust God, for "I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 (ESV).

Thank You to Our Sponsors!

Entire site copyright 2008 by Public Health Alert, 
821 Sansome Drive, Arlington TX 76018

LEGAL NOTICE: All articles on this website are protected under U.S. Copyright laws. All articles belong to the authors and may not be copied, re-posted, forwarded or reprinted without the expressed written permission of the author. The information presented in this website and the Public Health Alert newspaper is for informational purposes only. No information should be considered medical advice. Any information provided should not be used to take the place of advice from your personal
physician or other professional. Links to other sites are provided for ease of research. Information on those sites represents the opinion of those who publish the sites and is not necessarily that of the Public Health Alert.