Invisible Illness and Mixed Emotions: 5 Ways to Cope
by Lisa Copen
"You look great today. You must be feeling a whole lot better?" "You haven't really experienced chronic fatigue until you've had twins and worked full-time!" "I think you sit around thinking about your pain too much. Just get out of that house more and it may just heal itself." "If you really wanted to get well, you'd get serious about taking that juice I recommended. I don't understand why you won't at least try it."
And the remarks go on. . . and on. And our heart aches.
Nearly 1 in 2 Americans has a chronic illness or physical condition that impacts their daily life. This can include everything from arthritis to cancer, migraines to diabetes, and back pain to fibromyalgia. One of the biggest emotional hurdles for people who suffer from illness is the invisibility of it. About 96% of illness is invisible, meaning the person who suffers from the chronic condition may appear to be a healthy individual, but who actually suffers each day from physical pain. One may never guess the intensity of the pain suffered within the confines of one's home, as she or he shows no outward signs of physical pain or disability, nor does he or she use an assistive device like a walker or wheelchair
If you have an invisible illness, here are 5 tools to help let go of some of the frustrations:
[1] Free people from the expectations you typically have had of them.
This step will likely be a life-long process, but without taking it, you will consistently find that people will always disappoint you. No one is perfect-even you! And it's important to remember that those with illness do not understand the difficulties that our friends are going through, such as a divorce, the death of a loved one, an ill child, a lost job, etc. Your illness is momentous in your life. And even though people do care, they still will have significant things going on in their own lives. Don't hold that against them.
[2] Find supportive friends.
Is there someone in your circle of friendships who is constantly belittling you or suspicious about your illness? Is he beyond listening and instead spreading gossip about how he saw you at the grocery store last week and you looked perfectly fine? This should be a relationship to let go of or, if it's a relative, distance yourself as much as possible. Illness can help us easily prioritize our friendships and that way we can spend our limited energies with those that mean the most to us.
[3] Find joy in your blessings.
Rather than thinking about how badly you feel, find ways to bring more joy into your life. Appreciate the little things. Observe what you are doing when you have a burst of unexplained energy and realize that there lies your passion. Focus on bringing more of this into your life. You may not be able to garden like you once did, but you can grow a few potted flowers or hire a neighborhood teenager to plant some vegetables and set up an automatic sprinkler system for them. Or if you want to dream big, start a consulting business for want-to-be gardeners.
[4] Use your talents and skills for things you care about.
If you're no longer able to work because of your illness, you may feel like your skills are going to waste. Maybe you've always wanted to write children's books or be a business consultant. Find a place to plug in and do some volunteer or part-time work to be able to use these skills in an area where you feel passionate. Instead of focusing on what others aren't providing you with that you want so much, follow your dreams and give that gift to yourself.
[5] Encourage someone else.
You personally know how hard it is to live with illness and to feel like no one understands. So take time to be vulnerable with someone else who is going through this. Whether you meet someone through an online group such as National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week's message boards, or through your local support group, volunteer your time and expertise (yes, you're an expert on living with invisible illness!) and use it to make someone else's journey easier and you'll find your own is more enjoyable too. Are you frustrated that no one at your church thinks your invisible illness is real? Rather than stop going to church, find ways to educate them, such as a column in the church newsletter or brochures about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. These suggest what to say/not to say to a chronically ill person.
We can't change other people-but we can educate them and give gentle advice about how many people live with invisible illness. Then we must work on ourselves. You'll find that even when you want to change, it can be difficult. It requires discipline and motivation for a better life. You owe it to yourself and finding joy in your life despite invisible chronic pain will improve both your mental and physical health.
