Recognizing the Face of Rage In Tick-borne Illness

by PJ Langhoff

Rage is an extreme, but natural form of angry emotion that most people learn how to effectively control. As children, we learn to express anger by copying behaviors from the important people among us as we develop. For some children, some learned violence arrives in the form of uncensored television shows, exploitive video games, or dysfunction within the family.

I tried to raise my children with loving guidance, selfrespect and a love of mankind, with appropriate consequences for their actions. At one point in their lives I had happy, well-adjusted children, who were well-disciplined and respectful. And that didn’t change for nearly 6 years following their parent’s difficult divorce. They were still for the most part, happy, respectful, disciplined, and according to the social workers who evaluated them before granting me custody, (awarded in part due to my ex-husband’s problems with anger), surprisingly well-adjusted.

A few years later I remarried, beginning a very long decade in the family court system as my ex filed for a change in placement of the children simply because, (as he put it), he was “not going to have another man raise [his] children.” During our marriage and following our divorce, my ex-husband manifested many rage-filled episodes. Following my remarriage, my ex attempted to reverse my custody and placement in the family courts. Somehow between my then undiagnosed Lyme disease, a social worker’s failure to do her job, and my ex’s coercion of the children to help him win, he successfully removed our children from their stable, loving home with the help of a near-retirement age, complacent judge.

During the process, I was accused of having a face “full of rage”, which was nothing more than my permanent, flat facial expression caused by nerve damage from Lyme facial paralysis. Nevertheless, my flat facial expression was noted by a social worker as “rage” despite my never having raised my voice during our interviews. Clearly she was unaware of what rage truly looked like upon a human face.

My children later recanted their supportive statements of their father in a court deposition and his false allegations against me were proven such. Despite that, the idea that my children would somehow be better off living with their father, especially after his false allegations, seemed ideal in the family court, and since I was physically ill with Lyme disease during the entire court process, apparently that was enough for me to lose placement of my children—despite the fact that I had done absolutely nothing wrong, and by all accounts, had done everything right.

The process ripped our children away from a two-parent home life, excellent grades, valuable friendships, calm family life, and a valuable Christian private education, casting both of them into an unstable, uncertain future—to live with a man who would file false allegations against their mother and coerce them to lie. Needless to say, I had a tough time accepting the upheaval of my family, and I found myself feeling indeed quite angry—though not as rage-filled as I had been accused.

In addition to the immediate family problems, two years after their removal from my home, both of my children were diagnosed with Lyme disease by a family physician as well as a Lyme specialist. Lyme disease and co-infections can manifest symptoms of depression and psychiatric issues, including rage and bipolar-like behaviors, adding fuel to a fire that had recently been ignited by the family courts, and my children were exhibiting signs of rage in their behaviors, with my daughter displaying severe depression.

My son displayed his anger at the change in situation and the feelings of betrayal by his father for manipulating him. He expressed rage verbally, threw objects, refused to listen, and cried often. I once caught him banging his head against his bedroom wall and another time he shouted at me outside his second-story window. Within a short time, my son’s grades began to slide, he manifested discipline problems in school, and he became verbally and emotionally abusive toward everyone and physically abusive towards his sister.

My daughter was so devastated by the change in placement and in particular the loss of her best friend, that she began to express her despair over her situation in her journals and artwork she drew. When I first noticed her sad poems and artwork, I discussed them with her, and I sent both children to counseling—a process which was subsequently thwarted by their father, multiple times. Nevertheless, I tried to get counseling for my children, to help with the transition forced upon us by a social system which clearly failed this family.

While I was able to more proactively help my son through this tumultuous time, over the course of a year and a half, my daughter was resistant to my efforts while her depression grew and her activities turned ominous. She exhibited clear signs of severe depression, she withdrew physically, socially, emotionally and she expressed her feelings within her poetry, prose, and artwork. She began posting her work on-line in public forums, and included her creative writing school work.

Since I was no longer allowed to physically parent my children beyond what amounted to as 4 or 5 days a month, I resorted to monitoring their behavior and computer use remotely as any good parent should do, by utilizing helpful, inexpensive software I purchased, designed for that purpose.

What I discovered both shocked and frightened me. I saw beautifully artistic, but very morose imagery which was created by my daughter. I read haunting, suicidal and homicidal-sounding prose, poetry, and commentary, and listened to my daughter open up about her rage and other feelings to cyberspace. She made overt threats against people, of harming herself and shooting up her school “Columbine”-style. She became obsessed with all things Columbine, Hitler and violence-related. She posted images of herself posing with weapons (whether real or paint-ball guns, I’m not certain, they certainly look real). She even dressed up as the Columbine killers for Halloween on a college campus.

She became involved in dark things I don’t care to go into here, but suffice it to say that what she did and continues doing to this day is regarded as inappropriate and many people agree that she exhibits signs of mental illness. Attempts to talk to my child about her on-line rants were met with denial, extreme anger and accusations of invasion of her privacy.

My loving parental concern was subsequently dismissed and publicly mocked by my child. There was “no problem” she would tell me. She managed to convince herself, her creative writing teacher (who had showed concern), her father, and anyone else who addressed her postings, that she was “fine.” I read graphic depictions from her peers for how I was to be dismembered, tortured and killed for having made the tough decision to turn her into the authorities when no one else would listen to her suicidal threats.

To a select few who reviewed my daughter’s collective works, my child’s depression and rage were (and are) very near the surface and boiling behind what otherwise was/is masked as a calm, “harmless” exterior. A child who is born blind or deaf is not aware of that fact unless and until someone tells them, and only then can they grasp the concept— and my own child was and is in denial of her behaviors, despite them being obvious to others around her. On-line she dismissed her teacher and then described how she told her not to “worry”, wink-wink, nudge-nudge. (The teacher never bothered to call me about her concerns however, I found out after it happened). Later on, my child would mock psychologists saying she thought it would be fun to “play with their minds” or tell them she “liked blood” to “see what they’d do”.

I knew my child was probably not homicidal but she certainly sounded and acted suicidal. For her, the line between reality and fantasy were so horribly blurred it was difficult to discern. She posted that she felt she had “bi-polar disorder” and expressed concerns that perhaps she was losing her mind. If you really want to read about our situation, my book, “The Singing Forest, a Journey Through Lyme Disease” is available (Lulu.com).

But suffice it to say my daughter’s activities were a parent’s worst nightmare, and they ran along the lines of the types of behaviors exhibited by those who were involved in the Red Lake, Columbine, and Virginia Tech tragedies.

To make a long story short, after speaking carefully to police in 3 jurisdictions, and the high school police liaison officer, her high school decided to remove her on an emergency detention (ED), (without my knowledge) and she was shipped off to a psychiatric ward for a 72-hour observation. Naturally she convinced doctors there, that she was “ok” and though diagnosed with “possible” depression, she was released, and her behaviors went largely unchecked and undisciplined.

During the incarceration which she described as “an adventure of sorts”, my ex accused me of being “mentally ill”, and “doing this to teach our daughter a lesson”, and that “my doing this” was an attempt to “bankrupt him”—ridiculous statements of course. Attempts to show the psychologist at the mental hospital my daughter’s artwork and morose/threatening drawings, poems and homework assignments, including a picture of a trench-coated character looking remarkably like my daughter, shooting up a hallway filled with students and school lockers “Columbine” style, went completely ignored.

The psychologist simply didn’t care. Apparently I was the one with the “problem”, and not the other way around as they carefully took notes of my personal family history and asked whether I had been abused as a child, writing in my daughter’s chart, “mother may have possible mental health issues” because my ex had suggested to them that I did. They didn’t bother to make me aware of those accusations at the time, nor verify any of his claims however.

By the time my daughter’s escapades occurred, I had finally been diagnosed with Lyme disease, and the children had as well, although my ex refused to believe they could be infected, despite lab tests and a family doctor’s diagnosis showing otherwise. Absolutely no one believed that my daughter’s rage-filled activities could be in any way related to an infectious disease, and of course I was called delusional and all but assigned the terms “Munchausen’s”, and “Munchausen’s by Proxy”. Unbelievably, once accused, someone is guilty in family court until proven innocent and even then sometimes, one is still perceived as guilty due to the false allegations despite best efforts to prove otherwise.

Yes, I believe that my daughter’s depression and rage-filled violent behaviors were/are in part, caused by psychiatric manifestations of Lyme disease and/or co-infections. But they were also expressed because the situation she was living in was dismissive of her physical, emotional and psychological needs. And since she was sent to live with a parent who I believe has extreme rage issues, and one who was responsible for setting parental examples, my children are in a lose-lose situation. Still, “I” was the one with mental illness according to my ex, and I was allegedly sucking my children into my “delusions” of illness, accusing them of an illness they supposedly didn’t have.

Despite verifiable evidence to the contrary, I have to work to bring the truth into the family courts, in order to get these children the help they need and deserve. Once again, the system has failed this family miserably, and certain individuals who do have rage issues, rather than being forced to get the help they so desperately need, are in actuality, running the show. I await our most recent hearing date of June 25th, to see if the courts will finally accept that I never was mentally ill, and that my ex and his attorney are the ones who have been manipulating the system and our family situation, for the past several years.

My daughter was (and is) physically ill with Lyme disease and/or co-infections, that are manifesting in physical and emotional/psychological symptoms, and I believe my son to be as well, though he is not as outwardly ill as my daughter. Everyone seems to take note, except for the family court system, and I can do very little about our immediate situation since I have only limited parental rights. All I can do is go through the lengthy court process (this, our 10th year post-divorce), and wade through continual delays, in an effort to get my son returned to me, and restore some kind of health and mental equilibrium to him before it is too late.

Our daughter has conveniently aged out of the system due to delays perpetrated by my ex and his attorney, and the family courts wash their hands of children at age 18, unless and until they commit an illegal crime. Never mind her profane, anti-social and rage-filled ranting continues unfettered on-line while she is estranged.

It is most difficult as a parent to watch a child’s life become so rage-filled and desperately out of focus; and be unable to affect change. All the warning signs were, and are, still present—only now my child is of legal age and no one can touch her. Meanwhile I am openly and continually mocked by my child, her father through the court system and forced to defend myself against accusations of “mental illness”, and the “fabricated” illness of Lyme disease and co-infections, simply because I love and want to help my children. So much for recognizing the face of rage in my children… little good that has done for this family.

I apologize in advance for anything that my child might do to herself and/or to others in the future, the court system has literally and truly tied my hands. And that no longer enrages me, but it is a source of continual frustration, something I and any parent in this situation would have difficulty with—and more so if that parent has Lyme disease, as I do.

In my own personal experience of 15-years of known Lyme exposure, Lyme rage has manifested itself in a few short, bizarre episodes. When I was acutely ill with Lyme disease, the slightest provocation could send my emotions skyward, and I would raise my voice much more quickly than I could at times, actively guard against. Although I did not outwardly shout at my children, they called me “poopie” and came to recognize that mom wasn’t herself, but rather, “angry.” I did once yell at a coworker and then walk off the job—the only blemish I have on my employment record, and one which was obviously due to Lyme “rage”.

I was never verbally or physically abusive towards my children, but I did take out my anger and frustration by smashing a telephone with a hammer on one occasion when the children were nowhere around (and surprise, this got twisted around in court). At the time, I was reacting to an astonishing phone call from my attorney who informed me that my ex-husband had contacted a former employer and offered to put our then 10-year old son on a witness stand to testify against me in their unemployment hearing, supposedly to state that I stayed up late at night studying computer programming languages because I didn’t know how to do my job correctly, which was ridiculous. As irrational as that is, I grew furious that my ex would get involved in matters that were of no concern whatsoever to him, and utilize our children in a process designed to harm me.

So I smashed the telephone, big deal—but not right away, mind you. I actually had to go into the basement to find something to smash it with first. Call it pre-meditated phone murder if you wish—the darned thing was static-laden anyway and we already had a new one to replace it, so what the heck I thought. As I smashed it I said (blam) “that’s for involving my son in this process”, (blam) “that’s for being an (expletive deleted)”, something like that, you can well imagine.

Some people drink or do drugs. My crime was smashing a phone with nobody around to see me do it, and when questioned about it, I told the truth. Yes I had smashed a phone. I hadn’t hurt anyone. And so I was apparently perceived as a danger to society by the family court people for a one-time incident which I carefully cleaned up afterward with a broom and dustpan and my children and I had a good laugh afterwards when they came home from school and asked why there was a new phone. “Mommy killed the old one” was my answer, said with a straight face. Shame on me for being honest.

In short, Lyme causes a reduced frustration tolerance and makes its ill patients unable to handle stress and aggravation as easily as an uninfected person might. Situations which might provoke mild hostility can cause a Lyme patient to overreact and at times, lash out, and rarely, violently toward others.

My family’s, and the experiences of other Lyme patients’ families have taught me that Lyme disease’s effects on the frontal lobe, and behavioral control portion of the brain, are as variable from person to person as other symptoms of the disease. Lyme, from my experience, unquestionably can cause episodes of mild to violent rage. Most of the time those rage events are self-contained, as in a cross word, or a smashed telephone. Sometimes they are directed outwardly toward others, as in my daughter’s threats; but occasionally and more frequently, on a broader scale and the community at large.

Similarly to my daughter’s threats, some of the more recently publicized school shootings were Littleton, CO; Red Lake, MN; and Blacksburg, VA, as well as a shooting at an Amish schoolhouse in Pennsylvania, and one years ago in Texas. In the case of the April 20, 1999 Columbine killers, there were many signs of Eric and Dylan’s downward spiral in behaviors but, (eerily similar to my daughter’s case), with the exception of a creative writing teacher, no one took heed of their behaviors or clear signs these two young men were in trouble before they killed 15 people and then themselves. (They had plotted for at least a year to kill 500 and blow up their school).[1] Because no one responded to their activities, an unspeakable tragedy occurred, and these individuals went down in history and are now glorified on some web sites for the destruction leveled in their paths.

More recently we heard about the March 21, 2005 Red Lake MN High School killings by Jeffrey Weise, who killed 7 people including students, a teacher and a security guard after first killing his grandfather and his grandfather’s partner, and finally, himself.[2] Most recently we saw the horrible Virginia Tech massacre by 23-year old student Co Seung- Hui, who was responsible for the deaths of 32 others before killing himself.[1] The media exploited at least for a short-time, Cho’s video; and images that while shocking, seemed somewhat tame to me in comparison to what I have seen my own child post, I am sorry to say—and she has Lyme.

I wonder now the following: if tests could be performed on some of the worst school shooting incident perpetrators, would Lyme disease, or co-infections like Babesia, or Bartonella (which also causes “rage”) be found?

Interestingly enough, some of the most tragic episodes of school shootings occurred in Lyme-endemic areas of the country, such as Virginia, Texas, Pennsylvania, Minnesota and Colorado. I find interesting correlations when I look at a map of the history of school violence which shows these episodes in the same states[3] in which we also find endemic Lyme disease as compared to the CDC’s geographical depictions of endemic Lyme disease.[4] As my daughter is so fond of saying (per Karl Pearson-1896), “correlation does not imply causation”, but it certainly offers an interesting slant to the notion that Lyme disease and/or co-infections might be causing uncontrollable rage which manifests in ways that may prove to be related to at least some of these incidents.

Whether these violent acts of rage are a manifestation of mental illness, family problems or infectious disease, we cannot be absolutely certain at this time. But in each of those incidents, the perpetrators gave advance, clear signs of illness on some level, as well as clear expressions of rage that were, for one reason or another, dismissed by those around them. Tragically this complacency cost many people their lives.

In my opinion, my child’s rage is caused by psychological manifestations of an infectious disease—Lyme, which will not go away, but will grow worse over time, until such a day as she will be forced to deal with it. I have watched my otherwise bright child deteriorate emotionally (and physically) and struggle between admission that she has a problem, to complete denial and blame-shifting to my shoulders (with the help of her father), for all of her life issues. Meanwhile her illness(es) run rampant so much so that I no longer recognize her, now a shadow of her former self. Even she at times questions her own mental sanity.

When we have a child surrounding herself with other troubled, dark adults, while she continues to listen to violent music and watch violent movie clips on the computer, and research violent topics and be disrespectful of parents and authority figures, we must ask ourselves not “where have we gone wrong”, but “what more can be done?” In my child’s case, possible mental illness caused by infectious disease, augmented with improper parenting by a man who may himself be ill, a lack of discipline and denial of my claims my children need medical attention in the family court are the cause.

For my child, the time for able intervention has passed, but for many, the answer lies with intervention at the root of those behaviors, whether that intervention is in the form of counseling, hospitalization or other medical attention. If more parents take an active role in parenting their children when the first signs of rebelliousness, anti-social behaviors, drug use, extreme “Goth” or other trends or negatively faddish behaviors are undertaken, children can be given the help they desperately need. When school officials, physicians, psychologists and court officers do not take their jobs seriously enough, children can fall through the cracks and in the end, no one is served. It truly takes a village to raise a child, and we must return to our community roots and work together to keep children on the correct path, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Sadly however, in the case of Lyme disease, often times the parent raising the concerns is labeled, dismissed, and even ridiculed rather than given credence. This is tragic indeed since Lyme disease is the number one vector-borne illness, and growing. Lyme and co-infections are known to cause depression and many Lyme patients have tragically chosen suicide—which is not an answer.

We must do more to offer these patients better options, before it’s too late.

Whether my child would or would not have chosen to harm herself and/or others, I will never know for certain except by her own admission or actions. But in examining her situation, I take note of the trend in society’s youth to take out its rage on others through violence and school shootings, and I am deeply saddened by these behaviors. I ask myself as a responsible parent, what is the cause of these types of tragedies, are there behavioral or other health issues, mental illness, the trend to provide children with psychotropic, mood-altering drugs, or are these manifestations of infectious disease? All of the above situations were horribly senseless tragedies which all do have a common denominator— rage, and possibly some sort of “illness”, brought about by differing causes, but illness nonetheless. And I am willing to bet that undetected infectious disease was at the root of one or all of them.

Perhaps I can easily recognize despair, depression and the face of rage, because I look at life through a new filter, that of a profound awareness of tick-borne illness and its psychiatric manifestations—eccentricity, hostility, irritability, depression and overt rage. While infectious disease is not the apparent cause in each of these cases at first glance, I wonder how many of these individuals were perhaps harboring a silent, possibly tickborne infection that went undetected, and which developed into the insidious manifestations outlined above. Perhaps a very real, very endemic infectious disease such as Lyme borreliosis struck each of these individuals but went undetected for years.

Perhaps they had other additional issues complicating their situation; a brain tumor, mental illness, “emotional” problems, SSRIs, or even street drugs, (both chemically cause brain damage, though there are some who won’t readily admit this). There seem to be in each one of them, psychological issues that were improperly addressed (depression, “bad” or “violent” thoughts, abuse, loss of children) and I wonder which of these individuals might have been harboring infectious disease.

Until “mainstream” medical science catches up with the devastating effects of individuals suffering from illness, especially Lyme disease and infectious diseases that are easily dismissed by research scientists with limited or no practical experience treating these ill patients, we can only speculate on the causes and correlations between illness and behavioral problems.

Regardless of the cause of rage being exhibited toward society, we need to do more, and to take a more proactive role in parenting our children, and being mindful of those around us. We must not ignore the warnings that are being sent out—both subtle and as clear signals of depression and violent mood swings or behaviors. In the case of custody battles, much can be said for how the process ties the hands of one or more parents, and the importance of how parents interact amongst themselves, leaving the children to fend for themselves without proper guidance or maturity.

Counselors, Guardian Ad Litems, judges, and custody-evaluators must do a better job of assessing family situations before making judgments which tear apart the core structure of the family unit. Allegations of mental illness and child abuse must be investigated and verified before accusing a parent of something they haven’t done and subsequently removing custodial rights on little more than false allegations and no evidence. The damage done to children is irreparable.

People who have illness like Lyme disease, must be allowed to be made well, and not have their lives further destroyed by a social services or legal system’s ignorance of illness, and further crucified in the system for what amount to as mere allegations. Children caught within the system that are suggested as having a physical illness need to be examined and allowed medical intervention, not dismissed and ignored, or serious consequences will ensue.

And our schools will be much safer when the needs of those who are manifesting depression and/or mental illness are treated respectfully and appropriately, with proactive involvement of faculty and administrative staff, in conjunction with the parents of the children having issues. I cannot tell you how disconcerting it was to hear my child’s principal tell me, “We don’t offer counseling here, your child flies under the radar because she’s a straight-A student, it’s not our responsibility.” I believe one or more of the children who killed other children in the above incidents were also straight-A students.

Yes it was, yes it is, and yes children will continue to be society’s responsibility. As long as we have children, we as parents and the adult examples for those children must do everything within our power to assist them through the traumas in their lives, and give them medical attention when it is needed, whether it is for behavioral issues, mental or physical illness or infectious diseases like Lyme. As parents, we must face our fears and speak up for the welfare of our children and those around them. We must keep tabs on the friendships they make, and be intricately involved in their lives, even if we think of it as crossing the border of personal privacy. We must teach self-respect and the respect of other people and property. We must provide children with the foundations of religion and a sense of community.

We must track our children’s phone and internet usage, force them to do their homework, and limit the amount of profane, aggressive or violent TV shows, movies and video games they watch. As parents, we must be responsible and set good examples for our children, for they will emulate our behaviors—the good as well as the bad. And we must keep the lines of communication open at all cost, one of the best tools to keep children in balance.

Parents in divorce must work together and put personal feelings (especially anger) aside for the benefit of the children. Get counseling if you have anger problems. Get medical attention and/or counseling if you have depression or other illness. Surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive. Learn good communication so that others may help when you feel overburdened or unhappy. And to anyone, when a child shows signs of depression, anger, illness, rage, of being harassed, or clearly tells you they are unhappy, take them seriously.

Sometimes the clues are so subtle that if we aren’t paying attention to them, they will be missed. The result could be as tragic as any one of these rage-filled situations above, regardless of the cause of that rage. We can do more to recognize the face of rage before it becomes a larger problem, and we simply must do everything in our power, at any cost, to do so.

In my case, I have since been asked many times if I would “do it again”—report my child to the authorities when the school, social services, attorneys, counselors, my child, and my ex-husband wouldn’t listen to my pleas that our daughter was ill, seriously depressed and in trouble. Even though I had no idea what would happen to her and that she would end up in a psych ward, and eventually estranged, (something no parent wishes upon their own child for any reason), I give you my answer: absolutely, in a heartbeat, I would.

Notes

[1] “A Time Line of Recent Worldwide School shootings”.
http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0777958.html

[2] Red Lake High School Massacre.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Lake_High_School_massacre

[3] Keys to Safer Schools. Available at:
www.keystosaferschools.com

[4] Case report map of Lyme disease incidence in US.
www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dvbid/lyme/ld_Incidence.htm